Saying “No” No story, just an update.

The past few months I have been learning to prioritize what I need to do versus what is all out there to do. How to say “No” is one of the hardest things I am learning to do. I am a giver, a helper, a fixer, compassionate, and want to make it just right for you. This year I made a commitment to myself that I would go back to doing what I loved full time – Real Estate. For the past 2 years I felt like I couldn’t give it my all as I had so many other responsibilities to attend to.

What I didn’t see coming was the sometimes extreme highs & lows of grief.

The past few months have been crazy – we’ve had a big shift in our seller’s market, buyers are coming out of the woodwork scrambling to find properties, meetings & events that we couldn’t do last year are bigger and better because we are all so excited to be back together again, summer has been dry, hot and busy; and amongst all this the highs and lows of grief hit.

It kinda feels like this: “Celebrate a milestone in your career, attend a beautiful summer wedding, enjoy a summer day with friends, drop down to tears that won’t quit for days (which is why I work from home a lot!) but you have a schedule full of appointments (which is a good thing), to making plans for the weekend and the rest of the summer.” (Wait! That was just this last week!!!)

Figuring out how to navigate this is really hard. I always thought I wore my heart on my sleeve and for the most part, I do. But I also find myself putting on a smile and doing what needs to be done first instead of maybe taking some time for just me and healing. I am a social person, I love the energy of being around people and sometimes that’s easier than staying home and focusing on myself – which is what I should be doing.

So this summer I did some of that. After weeks of deliberation, I said no to riding BikeMS – this would have been year 20! – but am continuing to raise funds for BikeMS (https://tinyurl.com/RideHeidiRide). I said yes to 1 music festival instead of 3. I’ve had to make decisions about spending time with family when work required my time and I have also said no to work when I could to spend time with family & friends. I have also just said “No” to everyone and just stayed home. Had a glass of wine on my patio, binged some tv, or read a book. Something for just me. Spending time alone in an empty house isn’t easy for me. I am getting more comfortable. Spending time with you all is so much more fun!

I have said this before and will keep saying it — “I am so very blessed with the people I get to call family & friends in my life!” Thank you for always being there, reaching out, and understanding. This journey of life is meant to be enjoyed but we have to respect what our bodies and minds can handle too. So I am learning.

This week has been really tough.  The “funk” actually started right after Thanksgiving and I guess you can say it came to head this week.  Ever had that blister that you babied only to finally give up and pop it?  Then the area could begin to heal.  I’m hoping that this will lead to that.

This is one of my favorite spots in my home.  It’s even better at night.  It feels peaceful, calm, and I am able to relax here.  My home is mostly clutter-free and simple.  (If it sat on the counter too long it most likely went missing.  Gerry was famous for tossing things out!)  A monster moved in and took up residence in my office this past 12 months.  This week I decided it was time to kick him out!  Now – fair warning – this next picture is part of the process for eviction!  Not gonna lie – I am quite scared & embarrassed to put this out there in a public space…

This is my kitchen.  It has become a sorting space for 12 months of unattended overwhelming paperwork.  There are 7 file bins on the breakfast counter.  This was a system that was set up for me last fall and I failed to follow through.  Paperwork has always been my enemy.  Gerry took care of most of it which allowed me to be responsible for the little bit that I had.  Now that I have all the responsibility it got a little out of hand.  You may remember from a previous post the amount of paperwork I deal with is crazy!!  (3-ring binder just from the attorney.)  For the most part – everything has been managed but just not filed away.  And yes – I am the Queen of Procrastination!!

These piles have been growing faster than mold grows in a warm and damp environment!  The paperwork that went missing in June was under paperwork that needed to be filed last December.  What I didn’t realize at the time was how much negative energy these piles were emitting.  I no longer used my office – using my kitchen counter for Zoom meetings and all other work-related activities.  I closed the door and most days couldn’t even walk in the office as it was so overwhelming.  My kitchen has looked like this since Monday.  Each day I plug away at it bit by bit.  There have been tears of frustration, the joy of finding a much-needed spa gift card, the release of shredding and filling garbage can after garbage can, and actually many happy memories.  Some of this has been mindless as I chitchat on the phone with a sister in law, a good friend from across the country, and even a few clients.

I now know why this past week has been pulling at me.  The negative energy emitting from my office was taking over my entire home.  Now that it’s in my kitchen I can honestly say it’s worse.  But each day has gotten better.  Today was the final straw.  The 30-minute shower shedding tears (releasing negative energy) let me know that I can tackle the rest of this and I was on the right path.  I knew that I couldn’t move into 2021 without putting some of 2019 and all of 2020 to rest.  Years ago Gerry and I would clean out closets, junk drawers and other pesky hiding places the week between Christmas and New Years’.    It was our way of cleansing out the old and ringing in the new.  More recently it was the shifting of the file cabinets from one year to the next as we would prepare for the next year. More mini-monsters are living in my home but their squatting time is almost up. My master closet has become a freaky monster due to my relationship with online shopping this year — gonna blame that on the pandemic!  There are a few other monsters that started when we moved into our home and those need to be evicted in time.

It’s easy to let these monsters reside in our homes.  Negative energy is easy to ignore, especially when positive options are available.  Going out with friends, working from your favorite coffee shop, lunch appointments,  writing a blog post about it, procrastinating to go home, etc.  When you live alone it’s really easy to just let it reside there and ignore it.  Even when I have friends & family over, they never said anything like “When are you going to clean up that S***Show?”  “How can you sit on the couch when you know what’s behind that door?”  Now that I have started it and moved it into my kitchen I know that I can finish it, feel really good about it, and make a promise to never let happen again.  The amount of mental energy that this has tapped has been physically draining.  I look forward to the fresh energy my updated, clean office will release.  I look forward to working from home in my office.

What monsters are squatting in your home?  I challenge you to share here and then start the eviction process.  This has been painful, embarrassing, and healing.  But I know I will come out on top and so will you.  2020 has had a lot of negative energy, but 2019 was still the hardest year of my life!  I am challenging 2021 to be better and I am starting it at home, with fresh energy and fewer monsters taking up my space.

Your Actions Have a Bigger Impact Than You May Understand

I love being around water.  It could be the Missouri River, Oceanside in Cabo, one of the many beautiful lakes in Northern MN, or any other body of water I have not yet explored.  It is very calming to me.  It grounds me.  Water reminds me that my actions and or decisions affect others.  Whether it is how I handle my current stages of grief, or what I learned about previous stages of life…staying in a job that pushed depression into a whole new level, working through a really rough spot in our marriage, or staying close to unhealthy relationships.

Ever watch a ripple of water collide with another ripple?  Sometimes its gently and other times it is a collision – abrupt and shatters the current flow of water.  That’s how life is too.  We can’t always control how our decisions and actions are received but we can be aware of the effect.  Being aware can help us make better decisions.  I am not suggesting that we make decisions based on how others might feel, but to consider how it affects others can impact that decision.

Staying at a job that was so unhealthy for me had serious mental health repercussions and was eventually a large strain on my marriage and family life.  I stayed because of the money.  I thought that I was doing my family a favor when in reality it was the opposite.  There were days that getting out of bed to go to the bathroom was a very large feat!  So you can imagine what energy it took to go to work.  Getting mental health help, leaving that job, and putting myself back together turned out to be better for my family than the financial advantages.  I am a stronger person because of it.

The great thing about this Ripple Effect is that it can be a positive motion too!  You smile at a stranger and that brightens their a day a bit.  You pay it forward in the drive-thru, surprise someone with a quick text or phone call to let them know you were thinking about them, send a handwritten note — a lost art.  I love to send postcards when I am traveling – mostly to my 100-year old Gma, I know how she loves getting mail!  We once received a postcard from JLBeers from our newly 21 year old and had a great laugh!

My challenge to you moving forward is to think about the Ripple Effect.  Use it positively.  If we remove the negative energy from our space there’s more room for positive things to happen.  Ultimately we own our decisions, no one else does.  We can choose how we respond to situations in our lives.  Life is truly very hard, but choosing how we respond can make it easier.  🧡❤️

#RippleEffect  #PositiveVibes  #MentalHealth

I have never lost a parent, sibling, or child, but I have lost a spouse so I speak of that.  The last 15 months have been some of the hardest times of my life.  I am not speaking of the grief.  Truthfully that’s something almost manageable.  It comes suddenly so sharply it can take your breath away – other times its sweet with a tingle and a memory.  

The exhaustion comes from all of the decisions that follow the death of a spouse.  Terms like Assets, Estate Returns, Values, Distributions, Probate, etc are used to describe and finalize your spouse’s life up to the time of death.  What do you do with their clothes, vehicles, grown-up toys like guns, remote helicopters, and tools?  How soon do you do anything with any of it – did you wait too long to do anything with it?  Then there is also the new title you gain after you lose one that you chose a long time ago.  No longer Gerry’s wife but now his Widow.  (A word I really dislike.)  

I want you to know that there is not a single decision that is made lightly.  Moving clothes out of the closet and into the spare bedroom was a several week project.  First, they were sorted into piles on my bedroom floor for a good 10 days!  Now there are piles on a spare bed and in boxes.  The thoughts that ran through my head were crazy!  What’s my daughter going to think?  His parents and sister?  Am I moving too fast?  Years of therapy have taught me that things move at my pace but every decision was weighed by what I thought others would think.  All of this over CLOTHES!!  It was exhausting.  It didn’t help that it was during Christmas and I had a very good reason for doing it then.  I made pillows out of his shirts and picked each one specifically for the recipient.  

Now imagine decisions around other “Assets” such as vehicles, land or making a big purchase or *gasp*  Dating…….   (That’s one for a whole different day!!)  

Trust me when I say — the exhaustion is so real and heavy — the surviving spouse can go crazy trying to just live.  They consider the feelings of their kids, their family, their friends, and forget that they have their own feelings.  It’s very hard to remember to do what’s best for you and what feels right for you.  There is no timeline for this journey and everyone’s journey is unique.  You can think and discuss what you think you might do…but you will never know until you have to walk this journey yourself.

The exhaustion is lifting and I am finding myself closer to Peace and in a Happy state most of the time.  It’s taken a lot of tears, hard work, some great friends and maybe a little vodka but I am getting there.  This week I said GoodBye to Gerry’s White Truck.  He never drove it and had his reasons for owning one over the years.  This was number 3 or 4.  Always White, always loaded, brand new Chevy HD, and never drove it.  That truck turned my goal of a fun vehicle for ME into reality!  It was bittersweet.  It’s another reminder that Gerry isn’t here but life does move forward.  There were tears on both sides of the table when I traded that vehicle in.  

These changes do not mean that we are over our spouses, we are not forgetting them, we are not trying to rid ourselves of reminders.  We are learning to live again. We are alive and surviving.  We owe it to those we have lost to live our lives to the fullest.

Be kind, remember that we all have journeys to travel at our own pace. Leave the judgment behind and be supportive. 

Love fully, live fully, find peace and happiness. ❤️