I haven’t written in a while, almost 2 1/2 months, my blog tells me. We passed the 18-month milestone this month, along with losing one of my Grandmas and having a horrible week-long flu. (Yes I self quarantined.) Oh Ya — Filing 2019 Taxes was also in there — Filing as Widowed really brought on the tears! The Vodka too!! 🤪
18 months has brought me to a strange place. The grief hasn’t left, I’ve learned to live with it, move around it, and live my life to my best ability. Now that’s messy and definitely not always pretty. There are tears, hurt feelings, sometimes over-whelming abandonment, BUT there is also Joy, Love, some Peace, and a sense of Accomplishment.
Accomplishments range from baby steps — unlocking a stuck garbage disposal, — to the big ones — calling the guy to just “talk” about a headstone for Gerry, home maintenance, new security systems, gutter toppers, and mouse traps!! 🐭
The Joy and Peace come from my friends and family who accept the decisions I have made to live my life fully. Understanding that I cannot keep things the way they were because they are no longer the way they were!! Allowing me to open my heart and maybe share it with someone new. I’m sure it was hard on them but I promise not as hard as it was for me. ❤️
So that brings us to today – I’ve mentioned it before – the feelings of Happiness & Joy mix with Loss & Abandonment (Forlorn). The feelings can be heavy, like a cloudy overcast day of the Fall or it can be as bright and light as your favorite Summer day. I think this is the hardest season of Widowhood thus far. It’s been a roller coaster and truly hard to explain to anyone. (But here I am – sharing with FB land…go figure!!)
If you’re still reading you are probably thinking — Heidi what’s your point? — you’re rambling… To the point – Life is short. Your way of life is not guaranteed. Your future is made up of dreams and goals. How you react to the challenges that change your dreams and goals is YOUR choice. Years of therapy have taught me that how my journey flows is my choice. It’s a result of the decisions I have made when challenges have arisen.
2020 has been a challenge, but how we react to all of 2020 challenges is OUR decision. I encourage you to consider your reactions and make them positive ones. Yes still grieve the challenge but don’t let that run your life — there is so much out there to be thankful and grateful for.
Much Love to All!! ❤️
